Thank you; I'm sorry

About 7 or so months ago I decided to go into recluse; I needed to remind myself of the beauty of my talents, independence, and individual life. I did this in spite of and directly because of my nature to work better and be happy when I'm either in a relationship or with people I love. I was able to meditate on the idea or notion of how to find personal happiness. Not happiness based on other people or things or happiness through anything more then myself. This to me meant giving myself 100% off my time and attention.

I made the hard and painful decision to cut off a lot of people in my life. I lost a lot of friends, whom I loved and still do love (despite harsh words or hurt feelings) like brothers and sisters, simply because I was in shock. My dire need for emotional healing, progression and growth was more then I could vocalize.

I don't regret my actions or my words, but I do wish I had better words for all those silent moments, and all those tense non-confrontations; also I wish I had a better understanding of my state of mind so that I could have acted in a more self-less manner. Unfortunately these will have to stay wishes. The time will come when I will happily and finally pay off the "karmic loan" I took out in order to achieve my current state of being.

I think a while back I had forgotten that I was in a "relationship" with myself. We all have to give ourselves the time and attention we would give to the man or woman of our dreams. Proving to them our love and dedication, our loyalty and our ability. I decided to treat myself as such. Making myself into my own lover. Showing myself how much I truly am worth and proving the value of my existence through the power of my abilities. I learned that happiness is a state of mind that is only achieved through the patience of understanding. I was able to work within that sphere for the duration of my self-prescribed solitude for many a trying and unhappy day; only to find that if I kept my perspective "tuned in to the flow of the universe" I could easily allow the tribulations and moments of endless suffering to be an Ivy League education on the path in life I choose to walk.

So I would like to apologize to all those I may have hurt, and thank all those who understood and took a step to the side allowing me to walk my path alone.

A gift to all of you my beautiful and talented friends of today and yesterday:

I used to fear the end, the curtain falling with no encore.
The place where we all go to pay off our immorality and other worldly debts.
It's beautiful to be at the end of our time.
I greatly appreciate my ability to witness our final graceful moments,
while also acting in them.
Watching as the last true form of our humanity peaks.
Man is at his best the moment before he reaches his final mark.
At his worst thereafter, deciding upon which path he should pull you.
So I say to all my dear and beautiful friends,
think of our reign as humans as if to an infant,
learning how to walk.
A good guardian/friend/parent/tea

cher would never rush to our aid as if we're incompetent or fragile.
Instead they would bellow from a distance,
"The harder you fall the harder you must rise. Be like the fiercely burning phoenix, with power and control resting deep within its eyes."
So if we're all here for the last few moments of our known time,
remember to LOVE as fiercely as you would fight to keep that love alive;
remember to LEARN as fiercely as you would fight to keep your knowledge and memories alive.
If the moment ever comes when either one is challenged
remember to FIGHT as fiercely as you have LOVED and LEARNED.
Let your knowledge and your love fight for your freedom,
they are the best weapons you will ever need.

Much Love and Happiness

-Tamahl Shahib Rahaman

{T}